I am creating this ‘honour’, and also claiming it.
If there are any parents that can better, or in fact, worsen any of the situations I am about to detail, I will gladly pass on this decoration, and take huge comfort in the fact that I am not the only person raising a child who likes to make toilets out of all sorts of things.
It falls at my door, or teaching really, my toilet stop planning has often been a smidge laxed, not really instilling a protocol in the boy of using the toilet when it is convenient rather than at the very moment it becomes absolutely necessary.
This has led to a few ‘choice’ moments. Not exclusively for this reason, sometimes, it has just been because there were not the facilities available for a good time. But today’s emergency relief, really was something else.
I give you my most ludicrous five;
5 – Around the village’s iconic Christmas tree.
Late for school, or thinking we were late, my son did not go and use the water closet before leaving the house. We had got to the end of the road when he announced it was now or new trousers. Just at the point where the village’s giant fir tree is planted. As it masked my son from the road, I sent him to ‘do his business near it’. But obviously the sight of me alone prompted the passing parents, and best kept village dignitaries to ask where Max was. They often did not get to the end of their question, before the answer was plain to see.
4 – On the underground.
This was a semi-planned event. I knew that we were going to be on the tube for a while. Getting across, or under London can be quite a long process, especially when you are not 100% sure where you are going, what line you should be on or if you are going to get shouted at. For that reason I included an empty water bottle in my bag, a holdall ironically scrawled with the words ‘No Fear’ because
it was the cheapest rucksack available I am that cool. So when my son declared he desperately needed to go, I was ready. Well, I had to rid myself of any shame as I knelt and held a plastic container to my son’s penis on a packed London Tube, but that was not a big issue.
3 – On Safari.
This was a similar situation to the underground incident. At West Midlands Safari Park, one of our favourite visits, you take your car around their safari under strict instructions to stay within the vehicle. Since it can also take up to two hours on busy summer days, when drinking is also advised to keep the kids hydrated, there spells a recipe for disaster. Again the plastic bottle came to my aid, this time having to empty its original contents out of the window, before I then emptied a much warmer, yet fresher liquid out if not long afterwards.
2 – Not so grate.
One I thought we had got away with. When my son was still at nursery, he finished one lunchtime and we were instantly in a rush to be somewhere else, which was going to require a decent car journey. But as I am an idiot, I forgot to ask Max to go and use the nursery’s toilet before we left for our journey. Instead I reminded him at the car, and he then relieved himself in to a storm drain. Just at the point that one of the school’s parent governors strolled passed, coolly saying; “I knew there was a reason I did not pull further forward.” They had been in the car parked right by the drain to see the whole performance.
1 – In Willy Wonka’s Factory.
We spent today at Alton Towers, a great, yet exhaustive day out. The boy has insisted on only a few things from the day, but going on the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was top of the insisting. It was obviously popular with a lot of the children there today, and as such the queue was substantial. Max had not long gone to the toilet so I thought we would be safe, and as the queue was growing, we joined it, with fingers, and legs crossed. We must have been in the queue for over 30 minutes, but I could see my son getting a little twitchy, which I put down to boredom. There were signs up everywhere to say we could not rejoin the queue if we left it, and when we entered the snaking part inside, there really was no way back. At this point, and as a video instruction of a cartooned Willy Wonka is annoying played on a loop, the boy declared a bladder fit to burst. Luckily, and equally unluckily this part of the queuing system is very dark. So I prepared the receptacle, and advised my son it was safe to go - just as the queue started moving again. Thus, I had my son, walking backwards, peeing in to a Fruit Shoot bottle, in the dark. My hand was getting warmer, and it was only a guess if this was because the bottle had become dislodged, or indeed if it was just the bottle getting warmer. Great times. A whole new low.
So, I think we totally deserve this award, but I do hold on to the faintest of hopes that there are others who can share stories even more absurd.
Please don’t disappoint me.